I’m Gonna Take Over The World So Get Over It!

Yea, another month has gone by since I’ve posted. I have so much to share, but when your posts are also “shared” with the likes of this:

You REALLY don’t want to post very often…..

I thought about sharing a sewing tutorial about how I made this fabulous pair of baby sandals I made for my shop, Far Out Sprouts.

……maybe I’ll do it later. I have a bad headache that has lasted for 4 days straight and don’t feel like doing it now.

I’m ALWAYS in the mood for music…..so this VERY stupid band my teenage daughter informed me about yesterday spoke to me in this song…..

So I’m gonna post a (lame?) poem I birthed at 3 am this morning when my neighbor woke me up having wild sex with her boyfriend. Sorry, the poem is not about wild sex.

MIRAGE

I race against the wind through the desert sands

Free I thought from the tirrany of impeding hands.

Forward passage through grains of time beneath me

To what seemed or seems a promise of clemency.

As I approach the Mirage it withers away like a fume.

The He that vowed love, gone is the groom.

Once more I race against the wind through the desert sands

Free I thought from the tirrany of impeding hands.

Again a Mirage beckons like a glittery snake slithering nigh

The babe that takes first breath sleeps peacefully by–

Dissipates but leaves a memory of the joy that went awry.

Once more I race against the wind through the desert sands

Free I thought from the tirrany of impeding hands.

I ignore a nearby Mirage barely visible in the sky.

What was and could have been but never was left me only a black eye!

So, forward passage through grains of time beneath me

I assume no clemency but remain full of hope the future I can’t foresee.

Here a Mirage and dismiss Another,

Will take within the sands that I can cipher.

The inebriating Maiden has surfaced from nowhere

Perhaps a token of clemency, of hope, a Voyage

Or just an angel so kind and hair so fair!

Never  again, I pray, to race against the wind through the desert sands

Free I think from the tirrany of impeding hands.

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What Has Happened Since I Fell Off The Face Of The Earth

I used to blog everyday, so it seems so unbelieveable that it has been over a month since I have blogged. Actually, if one knew me well, they would believe it and for good cause.

With the divorce behind me now, I can sigh a sense of huge relief. But somehow I doubt I will ever be completely “over” the trauma of that marriage and divorce because my ex is still alive and well (and on the prowl!).

I have learned how to sew recently. Really sew…..with a sewing machine. And nothing blew up and no one was sent to the ER!

(This is a blouse at my shop, Far Out Sprouts).

I have joined a gym. Yes, a real gym with weights and stuff. I haven’t had a heart attack yet, but I have lost 8 pounds! My goal is to lose 35 pounds total and to weigh less than my neighbor’s dog! :O

I even walk every night which the boys seem to like….

I have acquired an even better sense of humor for stupidity and utter dismay in life. My great aunt Shirley and my maternal grandma had AWESOME and wicked senses of humor. They have been role models for me.

For example, when you have a home-based business and your office is actually your bedroom and you live in a two bedroom apartment, you have to laugh at the inevitable crazy stuff that comes with this and 9 cats and two little boys.

*DISCLAIMER (particularly for my mom): no animals or kids were harmed in the making of these pics. Yes I know the sewing machine was on and I never left it on or out of my sight. (Particularly to everyone else): No, these weren’t staged pics and REALLY DO happened all the time! DON’T ask me about the sewing kit/basket being duct taped shut with half a roll of tape on a couple of occasions!

My shop is doing soooo well and am I am so pleased with it’s progress! Today I sold another item so I had to call Iraq and let my fiance’ know about it.

Oh! Speaking of Iraq, the boys and I Skype my fiance’ regularly, even get letters and love packages from there. Here’s the boys reading their latest cards handmade from Iraqi women…

The kitties have been weaned so three have already found a new home with a friend of mine. The rest will likely find a home tomorrow.

I MIGHT miss the little bastards…….in a love hate sort of way!

Oh well…..off to the post office to mail sold items from my store!

Sex Ed Topic Number 294: No Cats Aren’t Hatched Nor Do Their Moms Eat Their Tails At Birth

There are few discussions a parent dreams of having with their child. The one last night with my 9 year old was one of them.

  I often wonder what the hell he learns in school or what sort of quality of education our children receive nowadays. I don’t know if it’s because my mom was a hippy, her family are hippies, or maybe sex ed was just proliferent in my family. But I knew cats were mammals since I could talk. I knew they aren’t hatched.

Watching Nash give birth to her 7 kittens, my boys learned so much that could never be obtained in school. My 9 year old was amazed at the live birth, thinking all this time kittenes were hatched. OMG.

I explained that Nash eats the afterbirth for nurishment because in the wild, cats can’t leave their newborns to search for food, as they would surely be killed. Additionally, the smell of blood would attract predators. Nash did a fine job keeping everything clean and orderly. These are the cleanist kids I’ve ever seen!

In the spirit of all things grose to eat, my 9 year old asked later on, last night, if mom cats eat the kittens tails. Surely his creative imagination has gotten the best of him! No, of course, I explained. Why on earth would they do this? Dogs, he explained, had surgically removed tails. Yes, I retorted, but this is animal cruelty for the sake of fashion breeding. Cats are the only ones I know of that are naturally born without tails, but it’s rare.

This is when sex ed turns dark for me.

Well, I think Nash ate her babies’ tails, he thoughtfully argued. Having left them alone, I didn’t get a good look at the kiddos. But how did I overlook the obvious that 4 of the 7 kittens don’t have tails?!

My adult daughter thinks they are inbreeds or circus freaks. My finace thinks they look like tailess mice (Skype is so awesome to relate your deformed cat news!). Like being thrown into the unknown world of military spouses, I got a crash course in manx kitties involuntarily….see if this is as interesting to you as it is for me…..

•  If both parents carry the Manx (tailess) gene, the kitten will naturally be aborted. Only one parent can have it.
• The Manx originally came from the Isle of Man, in the British territory. They are considered very uncommon (see above fact for why).
• Known mostly for the entire tail being gone, they can have a stump. (One of the four Manx kitties I now have has a stump that curls like a pig tail).
• The three cats that have normal tails in Nash’s litter don’t carry the Manx gene and will not produce a Manx kitten.
• Manx cats have long back legs and short front legs and hop/look like a rabbit.
• One of my kitties has a marbled appearance like in the above picture. Tabbies are the median common type of color. Black is most common, and white is the rarest. So, mine are semi-uncommon.
• Breeding Manx cats is prohibited as it can cause spontaneous abortion. The Manx is caused by a mutation where the vertebrae in the spine doesn’t form correctly.
• Manx kittens often have spina bifida.
• Manx cats don’t meow and are very quiet. They do have a shrill sound that sounds like when a mom is talking to her kittens.
• This shrill can keep you up all night…..especially when there are 7 kittens!
• A Manx is such a fierce protector and hunter is will attack a dog much bigger than it.
• Of all the cat breeds, the Manx is the best with children due to their even-temperness.
• Normal Manx moms only have 3 kittens because she has a shortened vertebrae(small girth to carry kittens). My momma cat isn’t a Manx and she had 7 of these stinkers!
• A Manx is very close to a dog in behavior. They are a dog-lover’s choice.
• If they live to their 4th month, they will live as long as other cats. These cats are suceptible to still-birth as well as dying in the first 4 months due to the mutation to their vertebrae.

Rediscovering Your Life Purpose And Waking Up To Placentas In Your Bed

My counselor told me yesterday I needed to rediscover my life purpose. It had to be something that didn’t involve the opposite gender, i.e sex, dates, or anything of the like.

Not that I have a problem seeing life beyond the act of sex, the opposite gender, etc. Nice try stalking ex if you are reading this.  Being married for almost 20 years and having a dad for nearly 37 years has made it hard to see life  purpose when you no longer have a spouse or a dad. Having a child Bipolar with delusions makes it all that harder. Having a stalking ex adds to the equation. So does changing your career in the midst of it all. I could go on, but I’m sure you don’t need a recap. I might turn my readers into manic-depressive alcoholics or drug addicts if I do. hahahahahahaha.

I ruminated over life purpose since yesterday. I couldn’t find any of it in Wal-mart last night as I was buying my 2nd gallon of milk for the stinking week. Ugh. Growing boys drink so much milk! I couldn’t find life purpose at church this morning either. It wasn’t at the craft store either. Everything just reminded me of my soon-to-be spouse. Or my dad. Or my former career. But at least nothing  reminded me of my ex. (oh, that was soooo below the belt!. My bad.)

Where was I going with this? Oh yea. Life purpose. That doesn’t involve the opposite gender. Okay, so my new “convent/monk” life has forced me to find my passion in unconventional areas or ways. But I am just not feeling it. But I think God has a stranger sense of humor than even I have!

This is where the latter portion of the blog title comes in. Put down your food if eating for a moment.

Since my fiance went to Iraq to eat camel ass and blow up terroristic dumbasses, my 3 yr old baby has insisted on sleeping with me. However, this is not going to work when the spouse comes back. I let the baby OCCASSIONALLY sleep in my bed as a way to reward him for not acting up or being a general butthead. It works. He is very polite and all.

When I awoke I thought he had wet the bed. I yelled at him and reminded him he was nearly 4 years old. What the freaking hell?????!! He claimed he didn’t piss the bed. I knew it wasn’t me….I’m too old for wet dreams and too young for night incontinence. Damnit. I felt some wiggly beside me, but I am NOT a morning person. I HATE FREAKING MORNINGS. This is the irony of marrying into the military too. As I come to terms what planet I am on…..I discover the source of sticky wet ALL OVER ME.

My cat has just given birth right beside me, curled up laying against my tummy.

Omg. How am I going to make it in time to church? How am going to get this shit out of the mattress and sheets and blankets? What cat gives birth practically on top of their owner??!! Aren’t they suppose to crawl into a dark hole and do it? Not this first time mommy. She, I surmise, was fearful that the boys would have messed with her had she had them anywhere else. I’ve read somewhere animals take “prizes” home to their owners out of love and hopeful admiration from the owner. I think that’s dogs though. Placentas and water sacs in my bed is NOT a damn present for me!

I manage to clean up the mess…which wasn’t as bad as one would fear. She was an ole’ pro. She cleaned up her mess quick remarkably. I only had some bloody smears here and there…..minus placentas. And her water broke at the end of the bed.

My kids are having a blast enjoying the babies….now we have a new passtime to enjoy together.

Here’s some very sticking adorable pics…..she ended up having 7 kids (2 while at church)! I thought the first litter, especially for a young 12 month cat like her, only have 2 or 3 tops! One looks like a leopard! It has very strange rings and circles like a wildcat! I love it.

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Maybe my life purpose is take care of animals.

 

Funny Things Learned By A Military Spouse

It’s been a while since I blogged. I suppose it’s time to write something else I’m sure my stalking ex will text me about later. (You know you want to. Admit it.)

For those who have a real life and are interested in what else is going on or just need a good laugh (or cry!) pull up your favorite glass of poison and let me share with you what I’ve learned by being engaged/married to the military. You will enjoy this even if you can’t relate.

 

• A civies cut is a hairstyle. It’s the hairstyle that doesn’t announce to the entire world you fight in a stupid war over stupid oil.
• A MRE is NOT a test performed  to see if you have arterial blockage (I’m refering to MRI o r Magnetic resonance imaging) . It is NOT  a mental health disease either (mental retardation). Rather, it’s a powdery, crappy food substance in combat rations. Until now, I could only reflect on my medical education/experience and assume it refered to the former rather than the latter!
• A IED doesn’t stand for a mental health problem (Intermittant Explosive Disorder) or a type of abortion-inducing birth control (Interuterine Device). Instead, it’s what your spouse or loved one faces every freaking day like the regular joe sees stop lights on the street).
• It takes over a week to get anything to the Middle East. This is a 3rd world country where one can’t even leave the house to buy a gallon of milk without being blown up. Of course it takes that long to mail something as simple as a 3 pound care package.
• Unless you are prepared for the costly and time consuming process of filling out customs forms to mail that package at the post office, you WILL leave the post office crying, depressed, and not wanting to leave your bed where you have a gallon of ice cream.
• (American) Military people don’t have to have a 72 hour waiting period to get married. By law, everyone else has to wait at least 72 hours from the point of getting a marriage license to getting married.
• It does take an extra 3 or 4 weeks to fill out paperwork and have it mailed back and forth to the Middle East to have a “by proxy” wedding/marriage ceremony. (see above about mail to Middle East).
• It’s at  least 8 hours ahead in the Middle East as it is in America. So, you get used to saying “goodnight my love” on the phone when you are eating your breakfast.
• The military have some wacky and strange assignments. Along with bombs/security detail, my spouse watches empty buildings off and on for four hour stretches.
• Your spouse sleeps in a metal pod that looks like an empty/refashioned rail car and has to walk 100 yards to the nearest toilet….particularly bad in the middle of the night. With Middle Eastern bugs and snakes. And sand storms.
• Coca-Cola cans looks strange in Arabic/Hebrew….whatever that is. They are also very tall and skinny like a bisquits can.
• This is Dr. Pepper (my spouse’s favorite drink) over there…… الطبيب فلفل
• If that’s Dr. Pepper, good luck in getting a cell phone! (where one can’t depend on colors and logos to help you know what the heck you are buying).
• It costs almost $8 a minute to talk to your spouse via cell phone over there. The global phone cards aren’t any better. The USO phones rarely work…..but if they do they are free….and you only get 10 minutes to talk once a week…and it’s at weird and inconvienent times. Convicts in America have more luxuries and rights (and don’t have to walk 100 yards to the nearest toilet!).
• It costs me 25 cents a text to text my spouse on the Hebrew/Arabic/whatever disposable cell phone over there.
• The telephone numbers there are at least 11 digits long. In America, long distance numbers are only 10 digits long.
• It becomes normal to hear explosions and gun shots in the background while talking to your spouse.
• The USO phones are 100% metal so they make strange, scratchy, echo-y noises like you are talking into a time machine made in 1930.
• Not all Muslims wear towels on their heads and they work alongside your loved ones on base.
• They don’t speak English though and sound funny in the background when you talk to your spouse.
• Those tents you see military living in on the news? Yea, that’s the pretty picture the government wants you to THINK they live in. The scene I see on Skype looks NOTHING like that!
• We are not pulling out of the Middle East anytime soon. Filling up at the gas station for $4 a gallon should have been your first clue that the government is lying to you.
• There is no set time for your loved one’s deployment/return.Get over it. Don’t plan anything. Ever.
• When your loved one says they had “camel ass” for supper, DON’T ASK for an explanation. Or a picture of it. It really does look as horrible as it sounds.
• Move over phone sex, Skype sex is so much more 21st century man.
• Military doesn’t believe in privacy. Or families. Or personal time.

 

When not thinking up eccentric lists like this, I continue to make craft items at my shop, Far Out Sprouts. Here’s my latest item to post at my shop…..

 

Spending Valentines With A Ghost

I told my mom tonight that I greatly admire her for her strength after dad died a several months ago. One would never know that she is a grieving widow from the looks of her. She has successfully developed a new identity and interests, friends, and likes. She no longer talks about dad or refers herself as “we”. She doesn’t seem to be in denial or pushing aside the loss either. It’s effervescent! Oh to be as strong as mom.

This will be my first Valentines with a ghost too. Difference is that my “ghost” will eventually come home from Iraq. And, daddy is in a better place, my fiance is not.

I keep myself distracted from the ghost I live with with the successes of my store. Things are doing well and I am very excited by the warm reception of random strangers who visit my store. Here’s a pair of booties I just made…remember, making booties is NOT my talent….I find them not only difficult and complicated, but frustrating to make. I felt like I climbed Mt. Everest when I successfully made these booties and they did NOT look like they needed to be listed on Regretsy! haha.

Let me tell you what it’s like to be in love with a ghost, for those of you who are lucky to have someone on Valentines this year. You write email after email, but there is no response. You wait for phone calls, will this be the day he/she calls? But you go to sleep without one and you cry to sleep. You tell your kids you have allergies when they catch you crying.

Then you get the call or email. This is the highlight of your week, your month, like forever. Wow, what a rush! But you forget everything you were going to say. You can’t stop crying….happy tears. The call is only 10 minutes. Convicts in federal prison get more time with their loved ones. The military is brutal. It’s all about a war, some stupid oil, some religious fight for rights. Not relationships or families. The email might be one or two sentences.

Then there is a humongous elephant with diarrhea in your house….the ghost metastasized to this colon-challenged beast in a split second….that’s because now you have just been freshly reminded of what you are without, lost, or is missing from you and your children’s lives. You wish that the ghost would return because then you can sort of function in daily life.

The ghost only returns when the pain somewhat subsides. That occurs after many emails go unanswered and lonely nights without calls. You are left wondering, is it better to hear from your beloved soldier or not?

This is why no one grows up dreaming of being a military spouse. You will  NEVER find a doll form of the military spouse in toy stores! There would likely be mascara running all over the doll’s face, or if a military husband, a look of being lost, confused, or dazed.

Happy Valentines troops….come home safe PLEASE.

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A Band Of Brothers

I never had a brother, but I always wanted one. Maybe if I did, I’d have a mini-dad now that mine has recently died.

There’s not a lot of guys out there that are old fashioned and are protective of their moms/aunts/sisters/etc. If there were, the world would be a better place. I’m not talking about mob protection. I mean standing up and being a man when it comes to her honor and civil liberties. Christians call this brotherly love because it can be applied to any male taking care of their Christian sisters.

I noticed since my fiance deployed that noone gives a damn if one is a single parent, surviving check to check, moving, whatever, and dealing with everyday reality while the other parent is fighting overseas. It wasn’t always that way. I’m not even 40 years old yet. But, I remember honorable men who would step in and help their fellow Christian sisters, their female coworkers, their acquaintances through difficult times when the other parent is doing the honorable thing to fight for our freedoms. That’s just a rant. You don’t have to agree. Chances are high that you don’t.

In the spirit of this thought process, I gathered my talents and supplies and made the following for my shop. It has just listed. Let me hear a ruckus and loud Whoop! Whoop! for all those old fashion men out there who still protect women from harm’s way (whatever the harm may be).

You can get the toddler tee at my shop by clicking here: Far out Sprouts. With my next project, I’m going to make another military-inspired themed tee. This time it will be for boys.

Valentines Day In Iraq

The government sent my fiance to war 2 months ago. There’s been training on the opposite end of the country. In 6 days she will be in Iraq. She informed me that her phone will be cut off voluntarily at that point. Like the darkness that fell upon the earth when Christ died on the cross, I will endure the same cold darkness next Saturday.

There’s Skype and email, but I’ve been warned that these are hit or miss, . Plus, the soldiers will be a day ahead. Iraq is such a strange world of unknowns! Just think, we are dying and blowing up things over oil and land. Greed is also such a perplexing concept.

Some days are okay, but most days I feel like this dead bird:

I managed a monumental feat this week. I moved a 2 bedroom home into a smaller, 2 bedroom apartment…..with 3 cats and 2 little boys in tow. Two cats ran away. The eldest son, who has Bipolar, was manic all week. (Finally my fiance called and had a “come to Jesus” talk with him and he did much better since! The 3 yr old wouldn’t peel himself off my arm and now INSISTS on sleeping with me!

I’m proud I survived it. I honestly didn’t think I would! The former house had to be moved out of because the landlord refused to repair the house, which was falling apart…..much like this!

….only smaller!

I managed to also make more items for my online store….

In case you haven’t checked it out yet, you can click here : Far Out Sprouts.

The boys really like the new apartment. They have a pool, gym, and basketball court. My eldest skateboards up and down the manicured sidewalks. I don’t have to worry as much about them getting run over. I’ve never lived in a fancy rich neighborhood until now. I can’t wait until Christmas when my fiance comes home and sees this place!

My online shop business has a whole new space in this oversized, walk-in closet. Everyone is relieved not to have to live and breathe alongside craft items on a daily and consistant basis!!

I guess the best part, among many things, is that there’s cable at this place. Now I’m some sort of god to my boys! Now, if I could just get used to my neighbor’s night owl lifestyle, I’ll be made…….:(

Don’t forget to grab a gift at my shop!

The Mistress In Camoflauge

I’ve reached a pivotal conclusion at this point in my life’s journey.When you are married to, the parent of, or somehow entwined with a deployed soldier, you serve alongside them. This is because you experience what they experience. You hurt when they hurt. You grieve their absence as they grieve being gone.

But, there’s another aspect not all together well known to the common, everyday person out there who watches TV and thinks all is well overseas.

When you enlist into the military, the government, the military, whatever you want to call it, has become your life mate–the one you will be forever married to even during peacetime and decades AFTER retirement. It’s a process successfully engrained into the soldiers’ heads as they go through boot camp, training, etc. They are no longer individuals in this microchasm of life. They are as one with the military/government.

You will never, ever be able to compete with the damn military/government. For survival’s sake, that will always be their one and true love and commitment. You are the oher woman, the other man, the step-parent, the redheaded step-child. You are second!

There’s a mistress in my future marriage. It’s not a bottle or homosexual porn, like in my second marriage. It’s not anything willing to screw or score of drugs like my common-law marriage. No, the “mistress” in my future marriage wears camoflauge. It forces my beloved to wear dog tags. It forces her to work 15 hour days/ 7 days a week. It forces calls to drop and internet to cease at the worst times. It makes communication all but obsolete and impossible to carry out. It  makes things lonely. It takes your beloved a world away for months and years at a time. It pays little and costs big, sometimes their life and limb. The housing is crap. The legal paperwork solidifying every detail of your relationship is daunting. But, without it, the military doesn’t know who gets the dead body or the property or the insurance money…..

I have kept myself busy with many projects, I’m proud to say. I have a lot of great ideas but going through a difficult divorce and living in a small town makes it hard to bring some of these things to fruition. For example, I wish I could help military families by volunteering my time or skills somehow.

Until I can figure out how to do that, I am making adorable baby clothes at my cybershop, Far Out Sprouts. Here’s one of my latest items….

http://www.etsy.com/listing/91797116/baby-boy-pants-hand-embroidered-with

Funny Observations This Week From A Single Parent

Sometimes I have to stand back and laugh at the absurdity and oddity of my life. Here’s a quick snapshot of the last 168 hours (that’s 7 days for those who can’t do math;)  )…..

USELESS FACTOID #1:If your washer is going to break down, make sure that it’s not full of water and your naughty unmentionables are inside it. That way your floor doesn’t flood and your sons aren’t sliding the cats across the water while laughing hysterically…..or the repair man doesn’t make strange faces at those items of apparel inside the washer…..(fortunately whips and chains AREN’T machine washable;)  )

 

USELESS FACTOID #2: Getting rid of ringworm and/or strep throat is almost harder than getting rid of an ex, only more legal.

(it’s the cat who has ringworm)

USELESS FACTOID #3: I found out it’s easy to make dolls for my Etsy store and they are the most popular items!

USELESS FACTOID #4: It is possible for a 9 year old to finish off a whole bag of (family size) chips and STILL be hungry!

USELESS FACTOID #5: Skype IS a romantic way to propose to someone…especially if your beloved is hundreds of thousands of miles away fighting in a dumb war.

and finally….

USELESS FACTOID#6: If you wait until (insert important event in your life here) to be happy and content, the cows will never come home (an American saying for those for those of you who don’t know) AND you will surely encounter A LOT of bull!

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